Judith's Jottings » Blog Home Page
Here's why people pleasers accumulate clutter - 22nd August 2024
I've noticed that many of my clients have this trait and I've concluded they accumulate clutter because of their people pleasing behaviour. Think this might be you? Then read on!
Are you a people pleaser? This was me for most of my life until recently. If you habitually put others first and deny your own needs, you are likely also a people pleaser. I spent a lot of emotional energy working out how not to upset other people and adjusting my behaviour accordingly. It really was exhausting. People pleasing behaviour is a consequence of head clutter. You act this way because it was likely expected of you as a child. It may have been rewarded, or perhaps you adopted it to gain acceptance from adults.
Ways in which people pleasing attracts clutter
1. Unwanted gifts.
Various friends and relatives give you gifts at Christmas and birthdays. They assume they know what you would like. When you unwrap your gifts you instantly know you would never have chosen them yourself. Instead of taking the item to a charity shop and gently telling the donors that you don't like XYZ you act like it's just what you wanted! You display hideous ornaments, wear clothing that doesn't suit you and read books that are thoroughly unappealing. As a people pleaser you can't allow your own feelings to rise to the surface. Your main motivation is to ensure that those who give you unsuitable gifts are thanked profusely and get proof of how grateful you are for their gifts. Compromising your own nature in this way ensures that those unwanted gifts will keep rolling in and cluttering up your home.
2. Unsolicited "donations"
These are gifts given by people who think they are helping you out. If you are mother to young children you may find that you get given cast-off toys and clothing by another mother whose children have outgrown them. Of course if the donations are appropriate, it's fine and kind. However, some people get a kind of a kick from basically dumping all their unwanted stuff on others because it makes them look saintly. If you are involved in choosing what to have, great. If it's just huge bags of content deposited in your home without question, then you need to address it with the donor. People pleasers will find it easier to just take all the unwanted stuff and say nothing for fear of upsetting someone.
3. Keeping things you no longer want or have use for - in case someone else gets upset
People pleasers have very little control over the content of their own homes. You might have a sense that you really need to declutter but when it boils down to it the things you don't want feel like they are stuck down with super glue. They are not going anywhere. Why? Because at some level you believe that parting with XYZ will upset someone and/or that it is just wrong to let certain items go, despite that you no longer need them.
4. Inherited items you dislike
When elderly parents die or are taken into care it is inevitable that their adult children have to clear a home full of memories. My own experience was that I brought home multiple items and over time reduced them to just a few key things I knew I wanted to keep. People pleasers find it much harder to be selective. Since people pleasing was probably a reaction to your upbringing it makes sense that anything to do with your parents is very hard to declutter. There may be a feeling of letting down a parent or not complying with the wishes of the deceased. There might also be the weight of family responsibility on your shoulders.
All of these situations will prompt feelings of being burdened and obliged to act in a way that just doesn't feel right or true for you, but like an automaton, you go through with the people pleasing responses - until you wake up to what you are doing and why you are doing it.
How to take back control of your living space and declutter?
I'm not a fan of the mind over matter approach. If you are a people pleaser and force yourself to declutter my feeling is that you could end up traumatised.
Really, the first decluttering you need to consider is in your head. Whilst these beliefs are lodged in your mind, then you will continue to act them out and to feel powerless. My coaching sessions are designed to gently explore your head clutter at your pace and to gradually come to a place of understanding. Once you know the real reasons for your people pleasing then it is possible to begin to step away from it.
If you want to know more about how I approach this topic, then drop me an email.
Don't forget, I was formerly an habitual people pleaser who felt like she was walking on egg shells with others for fear of upsetting them!
Keywords: habits, head-clutter, self-worth
Click here to go back to the blog index
