Judith's Jottings » Blog Home Page
A misplaced sense of duty - another way to feel stuck with decluttering - 20th March 2025
Have you ever considered that your challenge with decluttering certain items stems from a sense of duty? It is certainly possible and the impact on you could be disabling from the perspective of being unable to declutter things you know you don't need. Perhaps you're not sure if this is your situation? One way you might experience this conflict of duty versus personal choice is that you might feel weighed down and tired.
I think this graphic sums it up perfectly. 
Thinking about your clutter - does any of it fall into these categories?
(1) Items you inherited
These are likely to be bound up with a sense that you must not upset the deceased donor. This impact is amplified if the item or items have been passed down through generations of the same family. If you receive items with this long history your concerns may be also about living members of the family judging you for not wanting your ancestors' property, despite that they fall to you by "the rules". You may also feel a responsibility to future generations for maintaining family history. All this amounts to a very heavy burden.
(2) Items left in your home by family members who are no longer resident
For instance adult children or ex-partners. When these people say their new place doesn't have room for their massive record collection that might well be genuine. As a kind person you may agree to the storage of the collection but you might also hope the arrangement is not indefinite. Adult children may start out in one-bed flats but after a few years their home might be a similar size to yours. It is unlikely they will come and collect their things from you because the chances are they are no longer wanted or even on their radar. By acting as an unpaid storage facility you make it too easy for them to maintain the status quo.
(3) Unwanted gifts given to you by those you love and value
If you so much as think about decluttering these items a stern voice in your head will tell you that you are a horrible ungrateful person. If the donor of the gift lives with you this ramps up the challenge because he or she will likely find out you have got rid of something they chose for you and presumably were convinced you would love. This version can also join up with version (1) if the giver of the gift has died, thus making it doubly hard to part with something you don't even like.
What can you do?
Possible solutions are pretty similar for all three scenarios above because the sticking point is not really the other people, it's your beliefs about yourself and your relationships.
Firstly acknowledge that you are here to live your own life and not to be constrained by people-pleasing activity. Also trust that if the items you want to declutter came to you via people you love very much then those people would always put your happiness first. Imagine this situation in reverse. Would you be offended? Remember, it is always acceptable to ask to have your needs met. You are not being unreasonable if you ask family members to collect and remove their belongings from your home. It's healthy to have some boundaries.
Imagine yourself releasing the unwanted items. You can do this with love by gifting to a charity shop or similar action. Imagine how this release would feel in your body. Imagine the sense of a weight lifting off your shoulders and the lightness of spirit you experience as a result. You may shed some tears as part of the process and that's not a terrible thing, it's another form of release.
Appreciate that it's your head clutter that is keeping this home clutter firmly in place. Gentle enquiry as to your beliefs around your situation can be enlightening. When you uncover an unhelpful belief take time to formulate an affirmation that states the exact opposite and be sure to repeat it as often as possible.
If you would like my support with this process, please get in touch.
Click here to go back to the blog index
